A Hetalia Christmas Carol
by Hazel-Beka
Summary: Prussia's Christmas Eve is not fun this year. He's beginning to question everyone's sanity, including his own. Why do France, England and Russia believe they're ghosts? Why are they trying to terrify him into becoming a better person? And, most importantly, why is Germany wearing bondage? Rated for language


**A/N - So, this is a Christmas Hetalia fic I wrote back in...2010, maybe? And for some reason I never put it online, but I re-discovered it and it made me laugh (I know, it's terrible that my own story amused me), so I thought it was probably about time I posted it here! Also, I hadn't realised at the time I wrote this, but my other Christmas Hetalia fic also centres around Prussia. I wonder why the concepts of Christmas and Prussia seem to be related in my subconscious. Who knows? Anyway, I hope you enjoy the fanfic and have a merry Christmas!**

* * *

**A Hetalia Christmas Carol**

The church tower clock struck midnight somewhere out in the city, and faint shouts from the party-goers drifted up from the streets as each brass chime rang out into the frosty air, announcing that Christmas had arrived. It wasn't snowing, of course, because clouds have no concept of Christmas and are therefore ignorant to the fact that a certain type of precipitation is expected of them on the twenty-fifth of December. In fact, they hadn't even bothered to turn up, and the sky was perfectly clear, unless you factored in the light pollution that was completely obscuring the stars from view. The general consensus, however, was that it was a relatively beautiful night, just perfect for going out to celebrate, or, for those who were less inclined to festive cheer, it was arguably also a perfect night to stay indoors and laugh at the drunken revellers who were out there getting frostbite.

One such person who had decided to stay wrapped up warm at home was Prussia. At that moment, he was sat in his bed, huddled in the duvet and wondering whether he had lost his mind. The reason why he was questioning his sanity was stood just inside the doorway, which it had sidled in through a moment ago, and it was currently fidgeting in the oppressive, awkward atmosphere that had settled in the room.

"West," Prussia said eventually, after it had become apparent that his brother wasn't going to break the embarrassed silence, "Why exactly are you stood in my room draped in bondage?" Germany made a strangled sound and twitched a little, the chains that were indeed draped over him jangling.

"Um," he said nervously, "because you're on the naughty list this year." Prussia stared at him for a long moment. By now he was utterly convinced that the apparition in front of him was a hallucination brought on by his mind finally cracking under the strain of the sheer amount of awesome his body contained. He was also rather disappointed by the image his insanity had presented him with. If chains were going to be involved in his hallucinations, they could at least be attached to a highly attractive and preferably naked person. Giving them to his brother was a complete waste.

"No offense, West, but I'm not desperate enough to resort to incest," Prussia said in what he hoped was a casual tone, wondering if his insanity would take the hint and shower him with a whole harem of hallucinations to make up for the rather disturbing theme it seemed to be taking at the moment. Unfortunately, this didn't materialise, and so Prussia merely amused himself by watching with fascination as Germany's face managed to reach a shade of red that he hadn't previously thought possible.

"W-what are you talking about, Prussia?" Germany spluttered, the chains clanking more as he flailed his arms around, trying to express the horror that the suggestion filled him with. "I didn't mean – why would you – you idiot!" Prussia sighed in relief.

"Oh good," he said. "I was starting to think that this hallucination was going to scar me for life." Germany stopped waving his arms around and stared at him, bemused.

"A hallucin- …Prussia, this isn't a hallucination. I really am standing here," he said wearily, thoroughly used his older brother's strange theories. Prussia frowned.

"Oh," he said. He paused. "Actually, that's a lot more worrying, because if _I'm_ not crazy, then _you_ must be." He jabbed an accusing finger towards Germany. "Just stay there a minute while I call the nice men in white coats to come and take you to a special room with padded walls. That'll be fun, huh?" He reached slowly for the telephone that rested on his bedside table, but Germany moved forward quickly to stop him.

"I'm _not_ insane," he protested, grabbing Prussia's arm before he could pick up the handset. "If you'd just listen for a minute, I'll explain everything!" Prussia cautiously peeled Germany's fingers off his arm and shuffled back a little, deciding it was probably best to humour him.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," he said. Germany shot him an exasperated look, but adjusted his chains a little self-consciously and began to talk.

"Well, like I said, you're not exactly on Santa's 'nice' list this year…to be honest, you've been kind of a jerk-"

"Hey!" Prussia folded his arms and pouted indignantly. Germany shrugged.

"I'm just telling it like it is," he said. "The point is that now you're going to be visited by three ghosts who will- Don't interrupt!" Prussia closed his mouth. "Thank you. As I was saying, these three ghosts are going to fill you with Christmas spirit and make you a better person," he finished doubtfully, not looking as if he believed his own words.

"OK then," Prussia said slowly, trying to shuffle further backwards without drawing attention to himself. "Three ghosts and lessons in morals – wow, you know, that sounds perfectly sane and reasonable. And…I'm not entirely sure that I want to know the answer to this one, but…the chains…?" Germany looked down as if he had forgotten they were there, and his face, which had lightened until it was merely pink, turned crimson again.

"Er. I'm a ghost too," he explained, rattling the chains a bit, clearly embarrassed. "Um. Woo." He waved his arms a little awkwardly in an impression of what could have been a ghost.

"You're one of the three ghosts who're going to visit me then?" Prussia asked, now rather concerned for his brother's mental health.

"No," Germany replied. "I'm, er, a different ghost." There was a pause.

"But you're not dead," Prussia pointed out, enunciating each word very clearly and slowly, as if he were talking to a very stupid person. Germany sighed.

"Look, I've delivered my message and now you know to expect three ghosts bearing morals and Christmas spirit and, I don't know, maybe mince pies or tinsel or something. But my wrists are starting to chafe from the chains, so I'm just going to leave you to it." Germany turned to leave, the chains clinking together as he walked. When the door had closed behind him, Prussia sighed, relieved that Germany had left before he'd had to back away any further and fallen off the bed.

Now that he was finally alone, Prussia wondered whether he should try to repress the memory of everything that had just happened and hope that his brother would get over his mental breakdown by morning, or whether he should have Germany thrown into the loony bin. After all, his brother wasn't in the right state of mind to be representing a nation of mostly sane people, and if he were to go and get help, well, someone would have to look after his country for him…

Prussia picked up the phone. It was his duty as the older brother to take care of Germany, after all…oh, and his younger brother too, of course. He then started to rummage around in the drawer in his bedside cabinet before locating a yellow post-it note with a message from Germany that bore the number of the local mental hospital and 'Turn yourself in!' written in neat, cursive handwriting.

"Your brother has a very low opinion of your mental health," a voice suddenly commented somewhere very close to his ear. Prussia jumped, startled, the post-it note fluttering down to the ground. Turning, he found France stood behind him, leaning down so that their faces were more or less level. He was also naked, apart from a Christmas hat and several pieces of mistletoe that had been arranged to cover the Eiffel Tower. It was rather artistic, Prussia considered as he admired it openly.

"Nice outfit," he said approvingly, "but how the Hell did you get into my room?"

"Through the wall," France replied airily. "I suppose your darling brother told you that you would encounter three ghosts tonight. Well, I am one of them: the ghost of Christmas past." Prussia stared at him, horrified. Had there been an outbreak of insanity and he was the only sane person left?

"You too?" he asked weakly. "Listen, I was just about to call some people about West's little problem and I'm sure they'll help you too." France frowned.

"What problem?" he asked. Prussia glanced around and then lowered his voice conspiratorially.

"West thinks he's a ghost too," he confided. France looked confused.

"But he _is_ a ghost," he replied. "Didn't you see the chains trapping him in eternal ghostly torment? See, he's just a minor ghost to set the scene and prepare you for me and the other two who'll visit you after I'm gone. That's how it works." Prussia stared at him.

"Do you really believe what you're saying?" he asked, a note of pleading in his voice. France laughed.

"This will be a lot easier for you if you just play along," he advised. Prussia nodded, but he still looked wary. "_Tres bien_," France smiled, clapping his hands together. "So now, my dear, we can get down to business. It's my job to show you a Christmas from the past so that you can learn from it."

"What am I supposed to be learning? There won't be a test later on, will there?" Prussia asked suspiciously. France shrugged.

"I don't know," he replied. "But it isn't time to worry about the future yet. Let's take a look at last year's Christmas, shall we?" He snapped his fingers, and Prussia stared wide-eyed as the room around them started to blur and dissolve like the special effects in a low-budget film until the scene had completely changed. Now they were stood outside in a bustling Christmas market, a few half-hearted snowflakes drifting lazily down from the sky every now and then as if someone had sent the clouds a memo that it was the time of year for snow and they were at least trying to make an effort.

"How the fuck did you do that?" Prussia asked in astonishment. "Was West lying to me earlier when he said I wasn't hallucinating? Has somebody _drugged_ me, because if they have, this is the most fucked up trip ever. I bet that if someone wrote a book like this, it would become really famous!"

"Maybe," France agreed distractedly. He appeared to be looking for someone.

"Hey, aren't you cold?" Prussia asked suddenly, realising that France wasn't exactly dressed to be outdoors in the middle of winter. France leered at him.

"If I say yes, will you warm me up?" he asked. Prussia hesitated before he answered.

"Would it make me a necrophiliac if I slept with you?" he asked thoughtfully. "Because I have to have _some_ standards, you know, and since you're a ghost and all-"

"Found you!" France interrupted, and he pointed towards a lone figure walking between the stalls, barely glancing at the merchandise. He seemed oddly familiar…

"Hey!" Prussia suddenly exclaimed. "That's me!" And indeed the figure was another Prussia, wandering through the market.

"Since we're in the past, this is your past self," France explained. "You look like you were very lonely, poor thing. Were you crying?" The past Prussia sniffled a little and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand, oblivious to the two nations watching him.

"D-Don't be ridiculous!" Prussia replied, laughing nervously and glaring at his past self. "I just, uh, had snow in my eye! Yeah, that's it. What the Hell am I meant to be learning from this anyway?"

"That if you're a nuisance, no one will want to spend Christmas with you, I suppose," France replied vaguely. "I'm not entirely sure, but it has something to do with you deciding to be a better person." He looked at Prussia expectantly, who raised an eyebrow in response.

"I don't need to spend Christmas with anyone," he said, as if the whole idea were ridiculous. "It's way more fun to be alone anyway!" France sighed and snapped his fingers again to change the scene back into Prussia's bedroom.

"I suppose I'll have to leave it to the ghosts of Christmas present and future to get the job done," he sighed. He paused thoughtfully and eyed the bed. "If I told you that it wasn't necrophilia to have sex with a ghost, would you…?"

"No," Prussia replied flatly. France looked disappointed.

"Well, it was worth a try," he said. "But in that case, I'll see you later." He waggled his fingers in a gesture of farewell, and then turned and _walked straight through the wall_.

"What the fuck?!" Prussia screamed, backing away so fast that he tripped and fell onto the floor. "Ow!"

"Watch where you're going," a dry voice with an unmistakeable accent advised unhelpfully from somewhere behind him. Prussia swivelled around to see England lounging against the doorframe.

"England!" he cried happily, quickly scrambling to his feet and hurrying over to the other nation. "Finally, someone who isn't insane! Listen, you have to help me; West and France both think they're ghosts and West had _bondage_ and-" England placed a hand firmly over Prussia's mouth, effectively shutting him up.

"I have good news and bad news," he said, acting as if he hadn't heard a word of Prussia's rant. "The good news is that there won't be any bondage involved from now on." Prussia quickly ripped the hand away from his mouth so that he could protest this cruel and unusual punishment.

"But I don't mind bondage as long as my little brother isn't involved," he said quickly. "In fact, I actively encourage it!" He eyed England up for a moment. "You know, I think I have a blindfold lying around somewhere if you want to-"

"The bad news," England interrupted loudly, blushing lightly at Prussia's suggestion, "is that I am the ghost of Christmas present." There was silence for a moment as Prussia processed this information.

"You just killed all my dreams of finally having a little sanity this Christmas," he said accusingly. "But fine, have it your way. Show me whatever you want and then go walk through a wall or something – see if I care!" England sniffed disapprovingly.

"Walking through walls is for show-offs like that French bastard," he said. "Honestly, what's the point of doors if no one uses them?" Prussia resisted the urge to point out that most people didn't have the option of walking through solid walls. "But anyway, as the ghost of Christmas present, I'm here to show you the present in the hopes that you'll suddenly have a total change of heart and become a somewhat decent person." There was a pause.

"Well?" Prussia demanded impatiently after a moment. "Aren't you going to show me something?"

"This _is_ the present right here and now," England pointed out. "Well, my job is done. Now have a very hard think about what you've seen and stop being such an arsehole." He turned to leave, but Prussia hooked a finger around the neckline of his t-shirt, stopping him.

"Hang on a minute," he said. "That's _it_? No fancy finger-snapping and crappy special effects?"

"Not from me," England shrugged. "But, uh." He suddenly adopted an embarrassed expression and refused to meet Prussia's eyes. "I do have something, actually." Blushing again, he pulled a small, neatly wrapped present out of his pocket and held it out. Prussia took it curiously. "I just thought that…well, since I'm the ghost of Christmas _present_…and I didn't do a lot, really, I was kind of crap…" As he stammered, Prussia ripped the wrapping paper off the box and opened it to reveal a keychain in the shape of a unicorn. "I thought that since you like cute stuff…" England mumbled.

"It's awesome!" Prussia declared, stroking the soft fabric of its flank. "If West ever lets me have a house key, I'll definitely use it. Until then, it can live with the pandas." England's shoulders visibly relaxed with relief and he managed a small smile before returning briskly to his normal, more composed self.

"Right, well, now I really am done here, so I'll be off," he said, reaching for the door handle. "There's only one more ghost after me, so this will all be over soon."

"Thank God," Prussia muttered as England disappeared onto the landing. "I don't think I can take much more of this." He peered cautiously around the room, searching for any sign of the third ghost, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. "Well," Prussia mumbled to himself, "if they're going to keep me waiting, I might as well take a nap." He pulled back the covers and slid into bed, making himself comfortable and closing his eyes.

For a moment, Prussia drifted lazily on the edge of sleep. He was exhausted after all of the strange events that had happened that night, and the comfortable warmth of the bed enveloping him made him hope that maybe if he just let himself fall asleep, he could fool himself tomorrow into believing that this whole night had been a seriously fucked up dream. However, for some reason, he couldn't seem to switch his mind off completely. A niggling feeling in the back of his mind was bugging him, telling him that something wasn't quite right, something felt wrong about his room, something was _moving in the bed beside him_.

"Ahhh!" Prussia screamed, throwing himself face-first onto the floor. Scrambling up into a crouch, he turned his eyes towards the bed to witness a sight that made him feel as if he had been plunged into icy water. Russia was lying in the bed, smiling at him innocently and wearing tinsel around his neck in place of his usual scarf.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bed?" Prussia demanded, trying to suppress his fight or flight response.

"I was tired," Russia explained simply. "I didn't think you'd mind if I took a nap in your bed."

"I do mind!" Prussia corrected immediately, standing and flailing his arms around in an attempt to fully convey his displeasure. Russia's smile became slightly creepier.

"You didn't seem too concerned when you crawled into bed with me," he replied. "Does this mean you want to become one with Russia after all?"

"Absolutely not!" Prussia denied, backing away and waving his arms as if trying to repel the Russian, who was now climbing to his feet. "You weren't even in the room when I got into bed! What the Hell's wrong with you? Get out of my house!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Russia said, and if Prussia hadn't known better, he might have been fooled into thinking that the Russian was genuinely sorry. "You see, as the ghost of Christmas future, it's my duty to turn you into a good person." He smiled again. "One way or another." Prussia suppressed a shiver at the words.

"Look, two ghosts have already tried and failed to give me moral guidance tonight," he said, trying to sound reasonable. "It's obviously a lost cause to try and change my ways so you might as well quit now while you're ahead and just leave."

"There's no need to be so pessimistic," Russia chastised, and suddenly he had moved forwards and grasped Prussia's arm tightly before the other nation had realised what was going on. "Now come with me and witness what next year's Christmas will be like if you continue to act the way you do now." He brandished a faucet that Prussia was _sure_ he hadn't been holding before and lightly tapped Prussia on the head with it. For a moment nothing happened.

"What was tha-ahhh!" Prussia yelled as the ground below him seemed to vanish, and it suddenly felt as if he were falling through a world of shifting, kaleidoscope colours, hurtling downwards at a sickening pace. He closed his eyes tightly to try and shut it out, and he felt his stomach turn. He wondered if he was going to be sick. But then it was over as abruptly as it had started, and he could once again feel solid ground beneath his feet. Breathing heavily, he stood still for another moment, waiting for his stomach to settle.

"While I must admit to finding the sight of your terrified face very endearing, there won't be any point in this trip if you don't take a look around," Russia's voice came from somewhere far too close for comfort, and Prussia's eyes snapped open. He realised that he was clinging to the other nation's coat – something that Russia was looking _far_ too happy about – so he quickly let go and took a couple of steps back. Once he felt slightly safer, he followed Russia's advice and looked around. What he saw made a heavy feeling of dread settle inside him.

"Isn't this your house?" he asked not really wanting to hear the answer.

"It is," Russia confirmed, and Prussia's heart sank. "Let's find out why we're here, shall we?" He turned and opened a door, revealing the most terrifying sight that Prussia had ever laid eyes upon. There, in Russia's living room was another Russia, as well as the Baltic States, Ukraine, Belarus and _Prussia himself_, all wearing paper party hats and expressions of varying degrees of terror.

"What the fuck is this?" Prussia screamed, backing away from the scene before him. None of the inhabitants of the room seemed to be able to hear him, and only the Russia standing next to him responded, laughing in a soft, sinister way and looking happier than Prussia had ever seen him.

"This is the future," he said delightedly. "Before next Christmas, Germany will become so fed up of your attitude that he'll kick you out for good. Nobody else will want to take you in and since you won't have any money to take care of yourself, you will eventually have no choice but to become one with Russia." Prussia stared at the scene of his future with abject horror. His future self was being offered one end of a cracker by a smiling Russia and looked as though he had lost his will to be awesome.

"I can't let this happen," Prussia said desperately. "Take me back to the present so I can fix this!" Russia looked disappointed.

"But trying to change is a lost cause for you. Isn't that what you said?" he asked hopefully.

"Not now that I've seen this, it isn't!" Prussia insisted. "Now I've seen the light! I understand that I have to try to be a better person or karma is going to fuck me over like it never fucked anyone before!"

"Well, I suppose I've done my duty," Russia sighed. He paused, and then brightened up. "But there's probably no way you can actually become a decent person quickly enough to save you from your fate." Smiling in an innocent way that clashed horribly with what he was saying, Russia lifted the faucet and tapped Gilbert on the head with it again. The same, horrible falling sensation started once more, and Prussia closed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists to make sure that he wouldn't unconsciously grip onto Russia. When he felt the momentum stop, he opened his eyes to find himself back in his bedroom. Russia was nowhere to be seen.

As soon as Prussia felt as though he could move without being sick, he rushed out of his room and into Germany's. His brother was sleeping soundly in his bed and there weren't any signs of the earlier chains, which would have been a relief if Prussia hadn't been so disturbed about what he had just seen that he couldn't concentrate on anything else.

"West!" he cried, shaking his brother's shoulder. "Wake up!" Germany stirred and turned his head blearily towards Prussia, his eyes clouded with sleep.

"What d'you want?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Promise me you won't ever let me become one with Russia!" Prussia pleaded, and Germany frowned before pushing himself into a sitting position.

"Did you have another nightmare about Russia?" he asked wearily.

"It wasn't a nightmare," Prussia argued. "He was really here just now! Except he was a ghost and he was in my _bed_ and then he hit me on the head with his faucet and-"

"There, there," Germany said vaguely, patting him lightly on the head. "It was just a bad dream, now go back to sleep." Prussia pouted, annoyed that he wasn't being listened to.

"But you _knew_ he was going to come!" he persisted. "He was one of the three ghosts you said would visit me tonight and teach me about morals and Christmas!" Germany stared at him.

"Prussia," he said gently, "You were _dreaming_. That means it wasn't real." Prussia opened his mouth to protest, but then paused and closed it again. He frowned as he considered the possibility.

"But…" he started, then trailed off. Germany patted him on the head again soothingly.

"See, there's nothing to be afraid of," he said, as if talking to a small child instead of his older brother. "Now go back to bed." He lay down and was asleep mere seconds after he had closed his eyes. Prussia screwed up his face in confusion, trying to figure out what was going on. He was so _sure_ that he had been awake for the whole time, but then what could be the explanation for all these strange events?

Eventually, he shrugged and stood up from where he had been perching on the edge of Germany's bed, heading back towards his own room.

"Maybe I really am insane after all," he muttered to himself. "Damn hallucination lying to me like that." Then he brightened as a thought struck him. "I guess this means I don't have to be a better person after all if none of what I saw tonight was real!" Happily, he climbed into bed and switched off the light, the fear of becoming one with Russia fading until it was completely gone.

If only he had glanced over towards his family of toy pandas, he would have noticed the small, unicorn-shaped keychain that lay on the floor next to them, and if he had listened a little harder he would have heard the 'kolkolkol' that drifted up from a tinsel-wearing shadow that lay ominously under the bed.

"Merry Christmas, comrade," the shadow whispered. "I'll see you next Christmas, _da_?"


End file.
